02: 3 Ways to Start the Money Talk
Talking about money. Ouf. Do you struggle with what words to use when it’s time to talk about money with your partner? In this episode, financial therapist Lindsay Bryan-Podvin from Mind Money Balance is giving you three fail-proof ways to engage in the money talk with your partner. She’ll give you step-by-step templates about how these tactics work, what words to use, and when to use them. If you want more, grab your free guide that includes two additional ways to have the money talk right here: https://www.mindmoneybalance.com/5ways-freebie
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[00:00:00] One of the big questions that I get as a financial therapist is like, where do we even start? How do we even go about having the conversation that we need to have so that we can start talking about money? So let's do that today. Let's talk about three different ways that you can kick off the money, talk with your partner.
[00:00:24] So make sure you are ready to go. We are gonna dive right in to the three different ways that you can get the money conversation started with your partner. So let's talk about why this is important. So arguments about money, unfortunately continue to be one of the leading causes of divorce and separation in the United States.
[00:00:47] And as a financial therapist and financial coach for high earning couples, I really believe that. Money talk is not only something that we should be doing, but it also helps to deepen intimacy in a partnership. I believe that arguments about money are preventable, but we just, we really haven't been given the skills or the language that we need in order to kick off these conversations.
[00:01:15] So these three tips that I'm gonna cover, these three different conversation starters that I'm going to cover are just that they're kind of the jumping off point. All of these starters are going to work best if you make sure that you have already carved out time to do my favorite thing, which is to have a money date.
[00:01:34] And we will get into that in further episodes. But what you don't wanna do is have a drive-by conversation about money, which might look or sound like, oh hey honey, I am just running out the door right now, "by the way, we should probably talk about the credit card bill cuz it's about a thousand dollars more than we usually spend and it's kind of stressing me out. See you tonight." Like we don't wanna be doing those bys. So make sure that you are in a space where neither of you are emotionally heated. You've got some quiet time, you've got some downtime. You're not gonna be interrupted by kids or pets or neighbors. Make sure that you're in a relatively calm and safe environment before you talk about money, particularly if you haven't spoken about money in a while, or if you are likely to get heated or charged.
[00:02:34] So make sure that you have a, a healthy environment to make sure that these conversations are productive. Right? We can't kick off a conversation if we're not in a good environment. All right, so with that caveat, let's get into it. So conversation starter number one is what I like to call, slide into your partner's dms approach.
[00:02:59] And I realize that this title is misleading because I'm not actually talking about DMing your partner about money. I'm talking about kind of bringing up money in a way that doesn't make your partner feel defensive or caught off guard. Right? So you're kind of sliding it right into the conversation, just like you would be sliding in other things into your conversation, just like, how was your day and how's the new job going?
[00:03:31] And you know, things along those lines. So you're going to try something like, "Hey babe, I noticed we spent a lot of money last month on takeout. Do you think that maybe we could spend some time, maybe not today, maybe tomorrow, or maybe this weekend, sitting down to make sure that we're aligned with how much money we want to be spending on takeout?"
[00:04:02] Do you see how that is? It's not about blaming, it's about saying, "Hey, I noticed we ordered a lot of food. I noticed we spent more money than we typically do." And it's also about getting your partner on board by saying, "when can we talk about it? When can we collaborate it on this together?" Another way to kind of bring up money in a slick way is by saying something like, "Hey, can we just talk about that amazing Asian trip that our friends took? It looked amazing. I saw all their pictures posted on Instagram and on Facebook, and I'm just wondering like. What do you think it would take for us to be able to do a trip like that? Or do you think we could set aside some time to talk about how we could afford something like that?" Right. So again, you're not blaming, you're not shaming, you're not saying you, you, you, you're saying we that looked great.
[00:04:55] How could we make that work for us? Okay. So that is tip number one is just kinda sliding it into regular conversation. Tip number two is if you are the money person. If you like the money stuff, show your smarts, right? 99% of the time in my office, there is one person in the relationship who is more interested in money than the other, and that's perfectly okay and normal.
[00:05:25] And if that's you, you might wanna just own it by saying something like, "Hey, I know I have a tendency to go a little bit overboard with these spreadsheets and the spending plan and the savings goals, and I'd really love for us to be on the same page. Do you think we could set aside some time in the next couple of days so I could talk you through kind of where money's been going and get your feedback on if it seems like a good plan for us." Right? So you're acknowledging that yes, you have an interest in money. Yes, you enjoy this stuff, and you're not trying to bombard them by saying things like, Hey, I looked at the spreadsheet and we're 33% higher and we're spending on this category and what's going on, and we need to cut back asap.
[00:06:15] Right? You're not coming in blaming and shaming and like, just bulldozing your partner. You're coming in with acknowledgement that, "Hey, I love money stuff and I know you really don't, and that's totally fine, but how can we get on the same page right?" Now, if you are not the person who digs money, that's also okay.
[00:06:36] But you need to be involved in the money in some way, shape or form and again, I'll get into this in further episodes, why I think both people need to be talking about money in a partnership. So if you're not the money person, you can try by saying something that encourages and it en engages your partner to show.
[00:06:56] Have them kind of tell you what they know about money. So you can say something like, "Hey, you know, I've been really trying to follow along on some personal finance accounts and I've been listening to some podcasts. I am trying to kind of do that dance of not getting too overwhelmed, but also trying to be informed. Could you walk me through what our monthly finances have been looking like?" And just pause there, right? So that is tip number two is show your smarts or ask your partner to show their smarts. Right? Awesome. Then the third tip for a conversation starter is to listen with compassion. And why the heck would listening be a part of conversation?
[00:07:42] Because, if we're not actively listening, we aren't really having a conversation, we are just speaking at our partner. So in this conversation starter, you're listening with compassion by acknowledging what comes up for your partner. Right? So sometimes the words we use might be triggering our partner and we don't even know.
[00:08:03] So for me, when I hear the word budget, I think of restriction or pulling back or cutting back, and I'm like, I don't like it. That's why I like to say spending plan maybe in your relationship when you say retirement, your partner hears getting old or not being able to work or. Not being able to live the lifestyle you currently live.
[00:08:25] So lead with something that shows that you've been listening with compassion by trying something like this as your conversation starter, "I noticed when I suggest we talk about in the budget, you change the subject. Is there something in the way that I'm saying it, or in the words that I'm using that are rubbing you the wrong way?" And then pause.
[00:08:49] This allows your partner to say, "yeah, when you say budget, it makes me feel like you're restricting my spending," or they can say, "no, it's, it's not the word budget. I just worry that when we talk about it, you're going to take away. Our ability to travel, right?" So listen with compassion by identifying the feelings that you are imagining you're seeing, right?
[00:09:15] "So I noticed I see X, Y, Z," that's you visually saying what you see to your partner and then letting them answer. Right? So maybe they are like, "no, it's not budget at all. It's not even anything like that. It's just that when we talk about it, it seems like we're only talking about it when we're already stressed about money."
[00:09:38] Right? So those are gonna be my three tips for. Getting the money conversation started. So sliding into your partner's DMs, kind of sliding into other parts of conversation. Tip number two is show your smarts or ask your partner to walk you through their smarts. And then tip number three is to. Listen with compassion to make the most of this money conversation.
[00:10:03] And if you want these tips sent to you, you can grab them. It's a downloadable guide, and I only talked about three of them today, but in my guide, I actually include five different ways to start the money. Talk with your partner. So if you go to my website, www.mindmoneybalance.com, you will see a little button there.
[00:10:26] So you can grab your guide, or if you follow me on Instagram @MindMoneyBalance, and you click on the link, you will see a button there to grab this guide. And again, Five Ways to Start the Money Talk. I can't wait to see you guys grab that and try it out, and I'm curious if any of the three that I covered today resonate with you and I'm so excited to hear you try them out.
[00:10:56] If you love this episode, take a screenshot and tag me on Instagram @MindMoneyBalance with your favorite takeaway. I love seeing what resonates with my listeners and sharing it in my stories. Thanks so much for tuning in. I'll see you next week right here.